You're a what?
by lala-girl27
Summary: The Red Dwarf crew finds a wormhole that takes them to twenty-first century Earth and they crash land dangerously close to Hagrid's hut on the grounds of Hogwarts, school of whitchcraft and wizadry.


A lonely, beautiful red head gazed longfully into the horizon as just one tear fell out of her deep brown eyes, bounced off her long black eyelash and slowly crawled down her cheek to be stopped in its path by a gentle hand.

"Don't cry babe, you knew what I was when you met me." He said with gentleness in his voice.

" So what are you telling me, that I am nothing but a bunch of numbers to you!" she exclaimed passionately, her hair flying as she turned to face him.

"No" he said resolutely, "You're a bunch of really, really sexy numbers to me" he said looking leaning in so he could kiss her…

"Mr. Lister! Ah, here you are…"

"Kryten! I thought I told you not to disturb me when I'm in the AR machine!" exclaimed Lister obviously annoyed by the disturbance.

"I'm sorry Mr. Lister, but there is an emergency going on…" He defended himself.

"Kryten, there's always an emergency going on! Did I not tell you that the only things that qualify as an emergency is a hot blond in my quarters, Cat eating my fish and Rimmer in a good mood!" said Lister trying to contain his voice.

"Very well sir, I just thought you would have liked to know that we found a wormhole to Earth." Kryten said in a matter-of-fact voice and left the program.

"Right, now where were we…" Lister said to the maiden next to him. "Smeg!" he exclaimed, tore the head set off and ran after Kryten.

"Seatbelts everyone!" yelled Rimmer just as they were entering the wormhole and Lister entering the room. Cat yanked the joystick forward making Lister fly back, hitting his head and falling unconscious.

"Wakie, wakie, princess!" "I'm telling you, he's dead… can I have his fish!" "He's not dead and you cannot have his fish!" voices slowly crept into his mind as his consciousness came back to him. He slowly opened his eyes and looked around to see three sets of eyes peering at him.

"Am I alive?" asked Lister.

"Unfortunately, yes" answered Rimmer.

"We made it through the wormhole and we made it to Earth…." Kryten started to inform him of the situation.

"We're home!" Lister yelled and jumped, but a little too fast because he appropriately fell right back down again.

"There is just one problem… it would seem that that wasn't any ordinary worm hole…"

"So that's Earth," Lister said looking down at the planet, "but it's in the twenty-first century?"

"Yes we are now in the twenty-first century." Holly appeared on the screen to explain the situation.

"Holly, how is this possible?" Rimmer asked.

"It would seem that the wormhole crossed some kind of time olive and so it somehow leaked into the glass and mixed it all up with this big martini shaker with large ice cubes beating against the metal. Then this big huge straw sucked it up and it emerged in the form of a black whole." Holly finished his explanation.

All eyes fell upon him, confusion quite evident.

"Look, how am I suppose to know all the answers! I was too busy reading '_Bartending for dummies_', '_Where's my martini_', '_Where the smegging hell did my olive go, oh right I left it in the jar_' along with its sequel '_Where the smegging hell did my jar of olives go, oh right I left it on the table'_." He said trying to seem hurt. "I still don't know where the table went though", he added.

"Holly, just get the bug ready for us, we're going down." Lister said as they all set out to the bug.

"Holly, where's the best place to land so we're not seen " Lister asked seated in the front of the cockpit next to Cat.

"Well there is a very large deserted field right here" he showed a large territory on the screen.

"O.k., take us down Cat."

"I'm on it" Cat said bringing the bug to a sharp decline.

Boom! Crash! Bang! Bummmbumadumbudummmb!

"There is some kind of force field around the area!" Kryten yelled "I can't find the source, we're Craaaaaaaaaaaash……. "

THUD, Pshchhh. Cough, cough…ouch!

"Well, we're home. Is everyone alright?" Lister yelled over the buzz of the equipment and waved his hand to clear away the smoke.

"Yeah, we're all fine" answered Rimmer.

"Oh no! This is horrible, I'm going to die!" the Cat cried from the pilots seat.

"What's wrong, where are you hurt" Lister hurried over to help him.

"I tore my favorite orange suit! It complimented my eyes!" Cat complained.

"Sir, it would appear that we have gotten considerable damage to the bug, I am afraid, that we will not be able to get it back up again" Kryten said.

"Let's just leave it for now and go out side, is the invisibility shield working?" Lister asked

"No sir, it has been damaged as well."

"O.k., let's just go."

"Hagrid, is that one of our new pets?" asked a brown bushy haired girl pointing to the large green object that just crashed dangerously close to them.


End file.
